The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
