I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dick very happy bro
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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