dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
