this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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