My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
i've created a new STD.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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