i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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