I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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