Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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