I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize