I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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