She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
