We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
