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so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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