A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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