Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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