shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
