and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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