I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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