then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just had sex on a roof
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
