I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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