It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
