"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize