when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
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