Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
