Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize