Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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