Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I fill condoms, not promises.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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