dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
