Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
