My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Drunk is a universal language darling
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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