I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
