All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize