Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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