Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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