I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
