she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize