I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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