you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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