mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize