what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
