I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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