you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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