I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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