he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
