Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
