Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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