I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
