Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
