I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I would fuck him just for his dog
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
