Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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