Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
