i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
