She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
