im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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