just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
